I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
