I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
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