i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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