i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
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I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
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just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
He keeps bees of course he's weird
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
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