I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Randomize
