Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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