The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
So many bounce houses so little time
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Randomize
