Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Randomize
