So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
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