She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
