Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
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