During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
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