my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
i think i have two assholes
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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