just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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