i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
Randomize
