There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
