so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Please tell me its not ok to love a 17 year old....no matter how hot he is and how sexy his eyebrow ring is oh lord
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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