Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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