I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
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