My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize
