you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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