Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Walking in on a gay threesome, with a girl in the corner watching and taking vid is a reason to not only knock, but to never go to Savannah.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Randomize
