Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
