hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
Houston, we have a squirter
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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