Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
