Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Randomize
