don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
