I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Randomize
