his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
