is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
this hospital has no fireball
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
