Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
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