theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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