god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
