cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
