the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
