my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize