i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
