made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Randomize
