You can't special order awesome
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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