I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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