a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
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