walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Randomize
