I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
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