I can text with my tongue
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
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