Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
