You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Randomize
