I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
Hello my rib-scented angel!
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
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