Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
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