I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
My bed smells like the plague
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Randomize
