I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
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