My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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