i cvme to yuor rooom...wherer are youf?
please be gone before i get back
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
Life is so much better after having sex.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
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