Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
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