Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
I would fuck him just for his dog
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
