I have demons in me.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
