whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
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