Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
