Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Randomize
